


Hai und Maus und Phoenix

by extra kanin (gracon_bacon)



Category: X-Men - All Media Types, X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cancer, M/M, Memories in Videotape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-06
Updated: 2013-05-06
Packaged: 2017-12-10 14:19:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/787012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracon_bacon/pseuds/extra%20kanin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he tucks Jean in, she asks if he has been chopping onions again, and he says Yes, yes, I'm chopping onions for Daddy, Phoenix.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hai

**Author's Note:**

> Filled from [this](http://xmen-firstkink.livejournal.com/8700.html?thread=18795004#t18795004) prompt in xmfirst_kink:
> 
> "Erik's husband, Charles, has passed away (up to anon how)and he spends the night before the funeral watching a bunch of home videos they made throughout the years. Like their wedding, birthdays, spending time with their daughter Jean, and other things like Erik filming Charles when he wakes up in the morning ruffled and happy or other tender moments other people may have filmed of the two of them. Up to anon, I just want Erik trying to hold onto the memories recorded on the videos and crying because he feels as if that's all he'll have left of Charles. 
> 
> Bring on the angst and tears."

Hai

  
1\. Raven told him to leave all the preparations to her. The will was executed, and Erik gained a good chunk of old blood money from his marriage, but he barely cares about it. His husband is gone, and no amount of money would bring Charles back.  
  
2\. He finds the videotape collection as he digs for Jean's best funeral clothes. They're all in a box called "Hai und Maus und Phoenix," and he carefully opens it. Inside is a disaster - no semblance of order, and most of the tapes were unlabelled and haphazardly chucked in, as if Charles tried at some point and just gave up.  
  
3\. This one dates back to 1982, when they were still freshmen roommates. Charles loved taking candid videos of everyone at that time. It was mostly out-of-focus as the camera panned and ultimately showed a slightly recognizable Erik studying for a Calculus exam. It was all silent, and the camera quickly turned a 180 to Charles, who gave a small smile and drew a heart on the air with his free hand.  
  
4\. As he sifts through the tapes, he finds ten more college videos, and most of them were of him sleeping, eating, or studying for a major exam. He rarely sees Charles in them, but then he realizes Charles had been watching him even back then. Erik hadn't even liked Charles that way yet.  
  
5\. He finds a video of Charles moaning his name while jerking off. He feels his first sob, and as he weeps Charles' name, digging his palms onto his face, Charles chants his name and comes.   
  
6\. Erik puts the tapes away, though he leaves the box unsealed. When he tucks Jean in, she asks if he has been chopping onions again, and he says yes, yes, I'm chopping onions for Daddy, Phoenix.


	2. Maus

Maus

  
  
7\. When he finally feels Jean’s breathing relax and slow, Erik carefully untangles himself from her. It's not an easy task; somehow, Jean inherited Charles's tendency to cling and grip very firmly in slumber. Unlike Charles, though, she's a deep sleeper, and he can't be more thankful that she stays asleep as he slowly rises from bed and takes a walk.  
  
8\. The house is quiet. Once again, Erik finds himself grateful that they had chosen to leave the mansion shortly after having Jean. Though the grandeur of the estate helped them convince the social worker, they decided it wasn't a fit place to raise a child, especially with Charles's unsavoury memories of this place.  
  
 _(You see, love, it wasn't much of abuse aside from the neglect. I'm confident we won't raise Jean the same way, but I want a home of our own...)_  
  
9\. Instead of pacing aimlessly, like he originally intended, he finds himself back in the storeroom, just in time to see a cockroach slowly crawling towards the opening. He growls, runs to it, and crushes it with his shoe, relishing at the sound of its crunching body after the loud slap. Then he stares. Its guts are all over the 'Maus' on the label, and he rages even more, swatting its corpse off the box and onto the floor, and he seethes as he steps on it over and over and over again.  
  
10\. When he finally reduces the pest into unrecognizable bits, he breathes in deep and turns to the box. The bastard's blood (or whatever it was) is still there, but all his rage is gone. He's tired now, and he chooses to ignore the ex-pest as he opens the box again, taking out the first labelled tape he could find.  
  
11\. Erik remembers this scene very well. It's Charles's graduation, and Erik had volunteered to tape it since he still had a year to go before earning his Engineering degree. Everyone cheered when Charles went to get his diploma, and he even hears his young self, saying "That's my man" in a more-than-platonic tone. Charles grinned and briskly walked closer to the camera, and in an excited swoop, the camera panned wildly as Erik was thrown into a tight, affectionate hug.  
  
12\. Erik remembers that scene _very_ well because Charles kissed him in the after-party, both of them totally sober. It marked the end of being roommates, and the start of their shared life. He finds himself wishing someone took a video of that.   
  
13\. Despite everything that has gone on, he still blushes and feels aroused as he watches the first of their many sex tapes. It's breathlessly passionate, watching a trustful Charles bouncing and riding him, and even Erik can't resist. When Charles (and himself, now) comes, he relishes that familiar, fucked-out expression on his husband's face, and then he realizes,  _Fuck, he's gone_. And as his camera-self makes more moans of pleasure, Erik weeps and moans of sorrow.  
  
14\. He spends the next half-hour composing himself, desperately trying to hold back and  _stop fucking **crying**_. When he finally breathes normally, he indulges more of his masochism and digs into the box again.  
  
15\. The second labelled tape has "'til Death do Us part" on it. His hands shake and he puts it at his side, setting it away for another day. He doesn't need to watch it, because the memory is still so vivid even after ten years, and he sobs and weeps - no,  _wails_  - even more loudly and wildly than before. 

 

* * *

 

Und

 

16\. His eyes are so swollen he can't see clearly anymore, yet he has no problems navigating through the corridors, every inch so familiar he could walk around even with his eyesight a large blur. His breathing is still sharp, and his face feels raw and puffy as he silently returns to Jean's rooms. His baby is still asleep, and even in his exhaustion Erik remembers to wash his face with cold water so she'll still recognize him when she wakes up. He spends the rest of the night cradling the only love he has left.

 

17\. He doesn't return to their box, but he still has "'til Death do Us Part" kept away in Charles's side of the closet. It goes untouched for the rest of the year.


	3. Hai und Maus und Phoenix

Hai und Maus und Phoenix

 

18\. It has been six months since the funeral. Erik's coping, desperately trying to be strong for his only child. Once or twice he thinks about following Charles, but he won't do that to Jean. She needs him, though right now he needs her even more.

19\. "Papa, look! Look what I found!" 

20\. Jean finds the box. He's thankful that she's still too young to know how to operate the videocam, since she chooses to bring an unlabelled one and for all Erik knew it might be one of _those_ videos. A sneak peek says it is.

21\. He tells Jean to wait at the living room while he picks out tapes for them to watch. Erik grabs those with 'Phoenix' on the label, sighing when he realizes the cockroach guts are now a permanent stain on the box material.

22\. Their first video is of her first birthday. Jean stares at herself, not believing that she was so small in Daddy's arms. They both laugh when the video paused and changed scenes to Erik scowling and carrying her awkwardly as Charles's amused chuckles fill the air.

23\. They are picking the next tape when Jean notices his glossy eyes. "Daddy? You look like you're chopping onions again..."

24\. Their last tape is the last video of Charles. They were in Charles's hospital room, during those few days between Charles's surgery and chemotherapy. Beside him, Jean is silent as she watches herself from months ago hug a very bald Charles. When Charles turned to the videocam, he chuckled at Erik and gave a very tired, yet fond smile.

25\. This time, Jean is the one crying. Erik finds he can't cry anymore; he had shed enough tears to last a lifetime. But he still feels the pain as he holds his daughter close and whispers words of comfort to her ear. He knows the pain will never go away, but he won't let it rule over his and Jean's life. Charles wouldn't have wanted that.


	4. Grau

Phoenix

 

48\. Aunt Raven took care of all the preparations, like she did with Daddy's passing ten years ago. After the will was executed, Jean gained the entirety of the Xavier estates as well as Papa's investments, but she barely cares about them. Her fathers are gone, and no amount of money could bring them back.

49\. Her chest is heavy as she opens her fathers' closet. One of Papa's last wishes was for her to find the treasure in the large wooden cabinet, but she had queued it down her list as she still recovered from his death. She's a little better now though, but she still feels a pang of grief as she carefully digs through Daddy's piles of clothes.

50\. She finds the treasure, tucked in so deep under all the clothes and wrapped properly for safekeeping. When she sees the label, her eyes well and a pained sob escapes from her chest.

 

* * *

 

Grau

 

61\. Jean gets all the tapes (except _those_ ones, and yes, she found them too) media-transferred and archived to DVDs, and she makes backups of them in her hard disks. And whenever she feels lonelier than usual, she watches the treasure again and prays that she'll be as happy in her future wedding and marriage as her fathers were in theirs.

 

* * *

 

Grau und Kabel

 

100\. "Mommy, look! Look what I found!"

**Author's Note:**

> The German headings are from Google Translate, so please correct me if I got them wrong.
> 
> Hai = shark  
> Maus = mouse  
> Grau = gray/grey  
> Kabel = cable
> 
> I hope I fixed most of my preposition and tense problems in this work. I can't do tenses right for the life of me.
> 
> I mentally patterned Charles's illness from my late friend's, which was a benign brain tumor that resulted from the germ cells from his reproductive system going to his brain instead while he was still an embryo or fetus. I'm not sure if the process is the same for most cancer patients, but my friend died of internal hemorrhaging due to complications during chemotherapy. He was 18, but in this story I'm letting Charles live well into his thirties before the symptoms manifested.
> 
> Timeline:  
> 1982 - Charles and Erik meet  
> 1986 - Charles graduates  
> 1990 - Charles and Erik marry  
> 1993 - Charles and Erik adopt a baby Jean  
> 2000 - Charles dies  
> 2010 - Erik dies
> 
> Jean has a son named Nathaniel Grey, though I threw all comic continuity and made him Cable, thus the Kabel. I think Jean's future is kind-of implied, but do give me your thoughts!


End file.
